Ouch

I feel like my entire understanding of my bf has been completely turned upside-down. I'm trying to act busy, so that when he calls, if he ever does, I won't seen quite so pathetic. But I only want to spend some time with him. I've been feeling disconnected from him, and he wants to back off and spend less time together. I felt so brave this morning, thinking that I could be as busy as I want, that I could be strong and confident and not need him at all, since he apparently doesn't need me, but now I don't think I can. All I want to for him to know that he just ripped my heart out.

None of your business!

Here's a little tip to...well, everyone. Stop assuming things about other peoples' relationships!!! I can't tell you how many people over the last year have assumed that bf and I are married. Do you see a ring on my finger? Then don't get all surprised when I try to explain that I don't live at the new house, or that we aren't shopping for a washing machine for both of us to use. And please, stop thinking that just because I spend time at my bf's new house, we are sleeping together, or we live together! What gave you stupid people that idea? Give me a break! Mind your own business for once!

Don't you get it?

I just want you to ask me what's wrong. That's not so hard. You practically read my mind anyway. You always know when I'm upset, but you used to ask me about it. Now you just ignore it, and that makes me feel like you're ignoring me. Do you just not care anymore, or is it too much trouble and drama for you to talk about it?

DIY?

As you can see, I've been a bit busy lately and haven't had a whole lot of time to get on here and write about things. My bf just bought his first house. It's an older house, which most people will know translates into an outdated house. So we're updating and fixing and replacing everything. I'm serious: everything. Tearing out carpet and painting are just the beginning. We're replacing light fixtures, sockets, switches, faucets, sinks, toilets, and moulding. He's had the house almost two weeks, and we haven't moved a thing into it. Except the new appliances that were delivered there. It's interesting to me to see yet another difference between him and I: I'm totally energized by home repair. It wears and stresses him out. But, he'll have a beautiful house when we're done, and hopefully get a lot more out of it when he sells it than he paid for it! :-)

Can I take that back?

I am terrible at confronting problems, and almost never get up the nerve to talk to people about things that are bothering me. But every now and then, it just gets to be too much and the words finally come out, although not always the way I want them to. Tonight I blurted out a concern out of the blue, after which my bf stared at me like I'd grown a second head and said "So?" He obviously didn't understand that it was my awkward attempt to start a discussion. I couldn't think of any way to continue the conversation, so I just said never mind and left. The whole way home I kept hoping that he would get the message and call to talk about it, but no such luck. So now I just feel entirely stupid, and nothing even got resolved. It's no wonder I'm bad at bringing up issues!

Better now

I'm glad to be feeling much better now about a lot of things. First of all, I've been sick for a couple days, but I'm feeling good today. Second, some work issues have been resolved which makes me feel much more hopeful. And finally, I'm getting over the information I found while snooping on my boyfriend. Of course, I've also decided that I probably shouldn't snoop anymore, because like evesdropping, you often learn more than you want to know. It's just time to trust the man and accept that he cares about me, whether I always feel like it or not. Good advice, but not always easy to practice!

Oops!

Have you ever snooped on your significant other? I've always been nosey. I used to snoop on my siblings a lot. Well, I gave in and snooped on my bf tonight, and found out a little info that I don't really want to know, now. I know, I know, it's all my own fault, but I still don't like knowing this. I've gotten a little paranoid now. I'm so afraid that our relationship isn't going as well as I thought! I never thought this guy would cheat on me, but is he considering this other girl again?

So now what?

What do you do when your expectations and your significant other's expectations for marriage don't match? The bf and I have come up against a roadblock in what we expect from each other, and I can't figure out if it should be a dealbreaker or not. I mean, for me, it's a big thing, and he's pretty set on his opinion. I just can't see life turning out like I always imagined it if I stay with him. But does that necessarily mean it isn't right? Could my expectations be unrealistic and something I would have to change with anyone? Why do I feel like I'm the only one compromising?

Watch your step!

If any of you single, childless women out there happen to be contemplating childcare as a career, think carefully. I didn't realize how hard going back to being a nanny would be, after a three year foray into the business world. Before when I did this, it got hard after a while. I've always wanted to be a SAHM, so taking care of someone else's family and home became difficult. But at the time, marriage was out of the question, so it didn't get as personal as it is this time. Now marriage is (hopefully!) in the forseeable future, and that makes this harder. I so want it to be my own family I'm spending so much time caring for! I keep thinking that it should be my own family. I think it's past time I was married. I've gotten so emotional, and I've hardly been at the job for long at all! My poor boyfriend had to endure spontaneous crying tonight as a result, and I couldn't even tell him why because I didn't want to push the marriage issue too much!

This is complicated, and probably only going to get worse! So prepare your emotions carefully if you're going into childcare! :-)

Welcome to my world!

So...I tried this blog a while ago for a few months, but I wasn't very good at keeping up with it :-). Well, now I'm back to try it again and we'll see how it goes!

I guess so you know a little about me...I'm in my mid-twenties, living in a small town in Indiana. I work as a nanny for two kids. You'll probably hear me talk a lot about my boyfriend of almost a year and my parents and extended family, who live nearby.

Ok, now that the introductions are over, come back again and see if I manage to write regularly!